Yesterday, as I fought to sit attentively through another painfully boring lecture in College Algebra, I could feel myself involuntarily beginning to fidget, reminiscent of a similar struggle I had in the 9th grade during lessons devoted to the exciting field of study known as Ancient History. Back then, I sincerely wanted to know why we were studying Mesopotamia. Didn’t the teacher know it no longer existed? Since she apparently did not, I believe that I was coerced into fidgeting. I had no choice in the matter, no control over the limitless supply of complete and utter boredom that attacked my body in restless waves and spurts. I think I may have been able to handle it, if allowed to get out of my chair from time to time, stand by my desk, and wiggle and shake; but since that was considered socially unacceptable (if not downright bizarre) classroom behavior, it was not an option. With my only avenue of relief removed from me, the fidgets moved in, successfully executed their mission against me, and prevailed. Here are some of the behaviors that resulted, many of which incurred a teacher’s reprimand, public humiliation or trips to the principal’s office, or any combination of these, or all of these at once.
- swinging my leg (the top one, which was crossed over the other one) and accidentally kicking my neighbor
- biting my fingernails until they bled
- asking to be excused to go to the nurse’s office for a band aid
- compulsively scratching areas of my body which didn’t really itch
- asking to be excused to go to the nurse’s office for another band aid
- writing notes and passing them around (ALWAYS confiscated at some point by the teacher)
- biting the corners off pieces of paper and chewing on them till they were digested
- asking to be excused to go to the nurse’s office for a TUMs for my new stomach ache from digested paper
- twirling my hair
- twirling my neighbor’s hair
- raising my hand to ask questions about other school subjects
- staring dreamily out the window
- spontaneously erupting into loud laughter
- sighing loudly
- yawning loudly
- clicking my tongue loudly
- forgetting where I was and singing loudly
- making excessive trips to the bathroom
- refusing to leave the bathroom, even when told to do so
Truth be told, I see little difference between my adolescent fidgets and the ones I battle today in my College Algebra class. As an adult, I do not feel so powerless against them, but all my fidgets are fueled by courses of study which I consider to be excruciatingly and innately boring. The fault lies not with me, but with the horrific classes I've been forced to endure. It makes no more sense to study Algebra for a degree in English, than it does to study Mesopotamia when it no longer exists. Why do I keep having to veer off course to God knows where, to satisfy some tedious requirements imposed on me by God knows whom? It’s a wonder people still go to school!
As a result of this ongoing battle, I have come to the very inevitable and perfectly correct conclusion that the only truly unforgivable sin is the sin of boring people half to death. It creates so much pain, so much suffering and (oh, how I know it!) so much fidgeting.
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